Washington Parent Article

O
November 2007

Ages and Stages
Positive Parenting for Children with Special Needs

by Sue Clark

Luis, 7, screams at the top of his lungs when he learns that he has to go to the grocery store.
Christopher, 9, destroys his science project when his finger accidentally touches the glue.
Aisha, 8, refuses to eat her dinner because the peas touched the potato.
Caitlyn, 11, forgets to bring home her homework and her lunchbox and her coat ...again.

Parenting an elementary school-age child with special needs requires tenacity, patience and creativity. Children with AD(H)D, sensory processing issues, learning disabilities and other conditions often exhibit challenging behaviors that test the perseverance of even the most dedicated parents. They tend to be more rigid, sensitive, angry and unpredictable than their neuro-typical peers. By the time my own son was 5, I wondered why nobody had warned me that parenting would be so hard.

But if you think our job is tough, imagine what it's like to walk a day in their shoes.

"Going to school has been like climbing a steep mountain. Each step is a battle against icy winds. Sometimes I get knocked down. My body is numb. I'm clawing my way up a steep cliff. I look up and my struggle has hardly begun."
-written by a child with AD(H)D and presented at a CHADD conference

Despite being guided by the right IEP or 504 plan and being taught by the finest team of teachers, special educators and therapists, getting through a typical school day can be exhausting for special kids.

What can parents do to help? How can we give our children the extra courage and resilience they need to tackle their unique challenges each day?

Create a Predictable Routine

For kids who frequently feel out of control, a consistent daily schedule is critical. Develop a routine, and stick with it. For many special kids, memory is not a reliable tool for organizing the day. Develop checklists together. Older children can write the list, and younger ones can use pictures to represent each part of the day. Then, let the checklist be the boss. When your child strays off task, refer to the list rather than try to direct your child with constant reminders, which may come across as nagging.

Children with processing issues are discouraged by directions like, "Get ready for bed," or, "Clean your room." Break down tasks into manageable chunks ("Put your pajamas on," or, "Stack your books on the bookshelf."), so your child doesn't feel overwhelmed. At the end of the day, turn the To Do list into a Ta Da list, with each completed task checked off.

Consistent habits help, too. Encourage your child to put her backpack by the front door after finishing homework, lay out the next day's outfit the night before and keep all library books on the same shelf.

Offer Limited Choices

It may seem counter-intuitive to offer choices to a child with little self-control. "My child can't even sit through a meal," you might think. "Why would I let him choose what I serve?" But special kids need a lot of practice taking control in manageable doses. Let your child choose between a hot dog or a turkey sandwich. Limited choices offer positive power.

When you sense your child is about to lose control, offer a choice to circumvent the meltdown. For example, when Luis faces an unexpected trip to the grocery store, he may be calmed by deciding which one to go to. "We need to go to the grocery store today, Luis," his father might say. "Do you think we should go to Safeway or Giant?" Similarly, Christopher could choose to use a Q-tip or a craft stick instead of his fingers to deal with the glue. The confidence kids gain from managing this kind of frustration allows them to greet challenges in other areas of their lives with greater ease.

Model Self-Control

All kids lose self-control. Children with special needs lose self-control more often. Experts suggest that how you react to those outbursts may affect how long it lasts and how bad it gets. Research shows that emotions, both pleasant and unpleasant, transfer wordlessly from one person to another in milliseconds. Your reaction to adversity may quickly become your child's reaction. Kids who are easily flooded with emotions benefit enormously just from the silent presence of a calm parent nearby.

Balance Work with Play

Children who experience school as a "steep mountain," where they "battle icy winds," should be allowed to take a break after school before having to sit down again and think about school again. For sensory-seeking kids, vigorous physical play should come before homework (and maybe after homework, too). Even when the weather is crummy, kids can be active inside. Many occupational therapists recommend calming overloaded kids with the high impact of a mini indoor trampoline or the repetitive movement of a net swing mounted in a doorway. Alternatively, children for whom school has been one long sensory assault may simply need some quiet playtime alone.

When it is time to focus on schoolwork again, don't let your child struggle endlessly. Experts suggest that the amount of time spent on homework should be limited, especially if a child struggles in school.

Teach Life Skills and Encourage Contribution

Appreciate and celebrate what your child can do, rather than what she can't. Teach your child to cook the family dinner, change a light bulb or tie up the trash bag. Kids gain confidence through contribution. If Aisha helps serve the family dinner and puts her own food on her plate, she's less likely to have a meltdown when the peas touch the potato. Don't worry if some peas slide off the plate and onto the floor. Focus on her effort and improvement instead of pushing for perfection.

Find and nurture your child's strengths. A third grader who hasn't mastered reading yet, but can pop a wheelie on his bike, might help teach a younger kid down the street how to ride.

Allow Mistakes to Teach

Before our children walked, we watched them stumble, fall, get up and fall again - many times. Our older kids also need the chance to fail and try again. As parents, we want to minimize any extra bumps and bruises so it's tempting to provide too much help to a special child. But unless our kids use their own muscles, they'll never get stronger. To avoid the trap of over-parenting, remember that age-appropriate responsibility and independence give your child the best chance to develop confidence and self-reliance.

Caitlyn's mom might drive to school to get her homework because she knows Caitlyn struggles academically. But rescuing her sends the discouraging message: "You're not capable of learning to do this on your own. I have to do this for you." Caitlyn will eventually learn to bring her homework home if she has to face her teacher's consequences.

My son once told me, "Some kids make a mistake and learn from it right away. I have to make the same mistake about 26 times before I learn. But I do learn, as long as you stay out of it."

Believe It and You Will See It

Finally, it helps to keep a long-term vision of success. Imagine your child in the future as a capable, content, courageous adult who has overcome obstacles and faces the world with gusto. Although it may take longer to learn how to ride a bike, tie shoes, read or manage frustration, your child will learn the skills she needs as long as you support her and allow her to learn. Hold onto that vision the next time your child experiences a meltdown.

Sue Clark, the parent of a teen with special needs, is a certified parent educator with the Parent Encouragement Program (PEP) in Kensington and consults for Developmental Delay Resources, a nonprofit in Pittsburgh.